my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just high enough for therapy.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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