I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
