i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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