I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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