somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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