Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
