listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
