That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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