the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
