phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
