Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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