just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
