you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
