i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
