I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
