so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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