good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
