guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
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As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
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I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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