If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
