You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
