We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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