I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
