Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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