Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
