there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
