how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
