The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
