mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
