Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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