I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
