I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
