Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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