why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
