Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
