woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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