It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
