do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
