Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She's the barista slut.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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