Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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