We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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