i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
