I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
