I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
