Cold hands, warm shart.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
