Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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