Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
