3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
