Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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