I'm going to jail i love you
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
