He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
