Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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