I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Randomize
