Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
