I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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