It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
