Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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